Russell Brand slams Bieber, Sheen, and himself at MTV Movie Awards

Russell Brand was his typical self Sunday night while hosting the 2012 MTV Movie Awards in Los Angeles, where he threw barbs at various celebrities — including himself — in his opening monologue.

His targets included Kim Kardashian, Kanye West, Justin Bieber, Charlie Sheen and John Travolta, among others.

The British comedian known for his outspoken humor and party-boy antics also used the opportunity to address some topics that he called hypocritical for him to be speaking of, mainly his own substance abuse problems, his history of scuffles with paparazzi photographers, and his brief marriage to singer Katy Perry, who filed for divorce in December 2011.

“We have vital issues to discuss, one — Justin Bieber beat up a paparazzi — well done Justin,” said Brand, who has been arrested for scuffles with photographers in the past.

“Justin could face up to six months in jail. I imagine that even inside, as the horror of incarceration closes in on him, and the nightly gang beatings in the shower tangle that beautiful bonnet, that in some quiet part of himself, he’ll be thinking ‘At least I got away from them bloody, screaming girls’.

“And if after recent events you think it’s hypocritical for me to be joking about celebrities beating up a paparazzi — wait til you hear what I’ve got to say about short-lived celebrity marriages…” Brand continued, lightly hinting at his marriage to Perry, before segueing to a slew of jokes about reality TV star Kim Kardashian and her new boyfriend Kanye West.

“Kim took a load of pressure off me with her world record quick marriage. I just hope that the two of them do a new sex tape. Yeah, I think we’d like that. I think of Kim Kardashian as the Stanley Kubrick of sex tapes. They’re always brilliant but she only does one a decade,” said Brand.

He also nominated Charlie Sheen, seated in the audience, as a possible distraction for him should he say something controversial.     

“I need someone in this audience more unstable and reckless than me to do something crazy if I say something stupid and start jeopardizing my green card. That someone is obviously Charlie Sheen everyone. Charlie!  Charlie —  you do look well, and relatively sober, so what I’ve done is I’ve taped a bottle of Hennessey and a gram of coke under your chair, in case I start going crazy, just neck it and do a couple of lines,” says Brand, mocking Sheen’s highly public battles with substance abuse.

And Brand ended his monologue with a barb at John Travolta, who recently was hit with several sexual harassment lawsuits filed by men claiming the actor had acted inappropriately.

“I’ve prepared for this event by giving John Travolta a massage.And he needed it man, God he needed that massage, he was so stiff,” says Brand, before adding: “Some of you may be thinking or know this that the last time I did an awards show I did end up marrying someone that was there, so tonight I’m going to keep my eyes peeled for my next wife — Fassbender — it has to be.  I’m going to go get some massage oil off Travolta, Michael meet me in the dressing room,” addressed to a blushing Michael Fassbender, seated in the audience.

The 2012 MTV Movie Awards were held at the Gibson Amphitheater in Universal City.