U of T student who was once ‘body shamed’ now working to help others

We’ve all had a dream or hobby, for Victoria Gracie, it was ballet.

“For as long as I can remember, I wanted to be a ballet dancer.”

She joined a ballet company but her dreams took a hit.

“I was told my body type was really not recognized in the ballet industry.” She said. “An instructor told me I couldn’t be taken seriously as a dancer, given my body.”

That was at the age of 13 and lead her down a dark path.

“I began to question everything about my body, especially my waist.” Gracie said. “I would spend hours in front of the mirror, wear baggy clothes to hide my waist and was constantly asking my mother if I looked okay. I was obsessed and just never felt good enough.”

Gracie sought counseling and was later diagnosed as having body dysmorphic disorder (B.D.D.). According to The Centres for Addiction and Mental Health (CAMH) it’s a form of an Obsessive Compulsive and Related Disorder.

“It’s often underrecognized and very under researched.” Gracie said. “It involves perceiving flaws that don’t exist or are so minimal. But it’s really disturbing to you and those thoughts occupy your mind.”

According to the American Psychiatric Association, the preoccupation causes substantial emotional distress and impaired social and occupational functioning.

For Gracie, it impacted her life in many ways.

“I would be late for school because I was so obsessed with making sure I looked okay, but I never felt I did.”

B.D.D. can affect people of any age but is most prevalent in teenagers and young adults. The disorder was first named back in 1891 –then called dysmorphophobia— by an Italian psychiatrist. While it has a long history, the triggers and causes are still being studied. But research does point to an alarming trend, many who suffer from B.D.D. have suicidal thoughts.

Gracie didn’t get to that point and through therapy, learned instead of hiding the body she was in, to embrace it.

“I came to a point where I said ‘you know what I am going to make my own path’.”

At 15 she independently pursued ballet, becoming the first Canadian to perform as an independent soloist at Youth America Grand Prix, the world’s largest non-profit international student ballet and contemporary dance competition and scholarship program.

Currently, she’s a national pageant delegate for the title of Miss International Canada.

“I would by lying if I said I don’t want to win but it’s not about that.” She said. “I grew up watching beauty pageants and never saw a woman that looked like me. I want to be that woman on the screen to show other little girls that it’s possible.”

She’s also a self declared body positive activist, posting about her success and battles with B.D.D. on Instagram. But her work goes further—she’s an undergraduate student at the University of Toronto and a neuroscience researcher at CAMH studying B.D.D.

“The research lab I am involved in really looks at the neurological backings of conditions like BDD.” Gracie said. “We really want to understand the perceptual basis behind the disorder, what do people really see when they have B.D.D.”

Gracie says there is no cure nor quick fix to help those who suffer from the disorder and more work is needed.

“A big thing I want to expand on is finding new innovative ways for how we can use cognitive behavioral therapy to treat patients. Some people might need medication as well so how can we best tailor and guide the pharmaceutical industry to help people with BDD who might need medicine.”

Gracie hopes to continue and expand her research beyond graduation, with plans to pursue a P.H.D.

“Because I hope the research does advance.” She said. “We have a long way to go and I really want to be part of that next step in helping treat patients suffering.”

As for the comment that started her on this journey when she was an aspiring ballerina?

“Yes, it hurt me for a long time.” She said “But it also helped propel me into the person I am right now. If it wasn’t for that bad experience, I wouldn’t be able to turn it into something good for other people.” For more information on B.D.D., you can visit the CAMH website.

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