Worst Films of 2009
Posted December 28, 2009 3:43 pm.
This article is more than 5 years old.
Having watched close to 300 movies this year, I’ve sat through a lot of great films that lived up to or exceeded my expectations — I’ve also had to sit through a good amount that made me want to gouge my eyes out. After looking back at my reviews and notes (and films that I gave two stars or fewer to), I found narrowing the list down to the standard “top ten” was impossible — so I went with fifteen.
Except it’s actually eighteen because the #11 spot is a three-way tie.
15. The Blind Side
Like Sandra Bullock’s cocky character Leigh Anne, The Blind Side carries an attitude that it’s better than the audience because of its subject matter — a white family who saves a poor African-American boy from the streets and guides him to become a football player. At one point in the film someone asks Leigh Anne if she’s doing this because of “white guilt” and I had to wonder if that’s exactly why this film was made in the first place. I also found Bullock, who has been praised for her role in this, annoying and miscast. The Golden Globe nomination she earned is a joke as her performance in All About Steve (a film that was destroyed by critics) was on the same level. If I was Michael Oher, the real-life NFL player the film is based on, I’d be embarrassed to show my face after this mockery. ** out of 5 stars.
14. 2012 (review)
What looked to be the biggest “disaster porn” film of the decade turned out to be nothing more than a big disaster of a movie. Long, boring, and dumb. I found myself thinking ‘give me a [expletive] break’ more often than I spent enjoying it. ** out of 5 stars.
13. The Box (review)
The Box has no heart or purpose and comes across as cold and lifeless. Terrible performances and direction make this a failed attempt. I recommend watching the original Twilight Zone episode Button, Button that it’s based on instead of torturing yourself sitting through this. ** out of 5 stars.
12. Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 (review)
Everything good about the 1974 version has been stripped out and we’re left with lots of yelling and pointless explosions (even the title has been simplified from One Two Three to the numerical 1 2 3). Denzel Washington and John Travolta need to stop making movies. ** out of 5 stars.
11. Did You Hear About The Morgans? (review)/Couples Retreat (review)/It’s Complicated (review)
All three of these films get lumped together because they are equally bad and pointless and take the rom-com genre down a few notches. ** out of 5 stars for each of them.
10. Cirque Du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant (review)
To be fair, half of Cirque Du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant was a decent film. At some point, though, it hit a wall and spiraled out of control. In the end it was nothing more than a big, giant UGH! of a movie. But there’s hope – the movie was based on a series of books that span 12 volumes, so they just might get the next one right (or wait a few years and start from the beginning again). ** out of 5 stars.
9. Surrogates (review)
Dumb techno-babble that could have been written by a computer program. Unless you really have a love for awful techno-thrillers (or a clone that can watch it for you) skip Surrogates and save some brain cells. * out of 5 stars.
8. Public Enemies (review)
The biggest letdown of the year is Michael Mann’s Public Enemies. With stars like Johnny Depp, Christian Bale, and Marion Cotillard you would think Mann could string together some sort of enjoyable film. Not the case with this disjointed, horribly edited, boring piece of fluff that is the worst gangster film I’ve seen in the genre since Mickey Blue Eyes. * out of 5 stars.
7. Fast & Furious (review)
Pointless sequel/reboot that is neither fast nor furious and lacks all the excitement the original The Fast and the Furious had. Simply put – it sucks! * out of 5 stars.
6. Pirate Radio (review)
Pirate Radio is one of the worst things (and not just in the genre of movies) I’ve witnessed all year. I wish I could get my 135 minutes back (which is precisely 134 minutes too long for this trash). It’s an irritating farce and a disjointed mess. * out of stars.
5. Survival of the Dead
Survival of the Dead broke my heart when I saw it. I’m a huge fan of director George A. Romero — Night of the Living Dead changed my life when I first saw it and the original Dawn of the Dead is one of my favourite horror films of all-time. Survival of the Dead is just utter crap that is not funny or scary. To be honest I wish I could erase it from my memory so that my view of Romero would not be tarnished. * out of 5 stars.
4. Planet 51 (review)
Definitely the worst animated film of the year, Planet 51 uses about the same level of brain cells as a dog that sticks his head out of a car window to let his tongue flap in the breeze. At one point I think I even drooled on myself because I felt like I was getting more stupid by the minute while watching this atrocity. * out 5 stars.
3. Old Dogs (review)
More painful than a colonoscopy is what I called Old Dogs, a “comedy” starring John Travolta and Robin Williams. If there was a case to be made for focus groups, this would be a prime example. * out of 5 stars.
2. The Ghosts of Girlfriends Past (review)
The Ghosts of Girlfriends Past is horribly written, directed, and edited. If that’s not enough, it also gives us the worst performances in the careers of Matthew McConaughey and Jennifer Garner (in Garner’s defense, I did say the only thing that could make it worse was if Kate Hudson was in the role). The film is a disgrac
e to both women and men and I still don’t know who the studio was aiming it at. For most of the year I used it as a reference when I saw a bad movie and it would have been in the top spot if I didn’t see The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard just a few weeks ago. * out of 5 stars.
1. The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard
The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard is so bad I gave it zero stars. I’m still shaking my head over how shockingly horrible it was. Everyone involved should be banned from making movies for the next five years in order to cleanse their souls of this horrible excuse of a movie. I’d also like to suggest we round up all the DVD copies (it wasn’t released on Blu-ray) and have a good old fashioned book burning (but with DVDs). Zero out of 5 stars.
Runner-ups: Pandorum, Angels & Demons, Dorian Gray, Whip It, The Ugly Truth, All About Steve, Imagine That
Agree or disagree? Did I miss a title you would include? Leave a comment below or email brian.mckechnie@citynews.rogers.com.
Top image: A scene from Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. Courtesy Alliance Films.
