Toronto mother dealing with her son’s death one soap bar at a time

On any given day inside her North York Kitchen, you’ll find Cristina Lai, a school teacher, busy with her new found passion.

“I’ve always loved soaps, the smells,” she said. “To me, each bar is like a little piece of luxury.”

She’s been creating soaps of all different varieties for several weeks, but it’s not for extra income. Instead, these bars are made with love for a good cause.

“I’m raising money in honour of my son, Oscar.”

Oscar was her only son and a talented artist. “He was also so kind, loving and patient, a head full of hair and so gentle,” said Lai.

Lai passionately supported his artwork, which were drawings often depicting humans combined with ancient symbols.

“Very Geiger-esque. That organic linkage between one thing and another, so I just let him flow with that,” Lai explained.

Along with Oscar’s talent, he was a typical teenager with friends and even a girlfriend. He ran into trouble, but for the most part, it was small stuff, Lai said, like one time, the passionate artist used a school’s bathroom wall to display his drawings.

“I had a real long talk with him about that, helping him understand why that was wrong.”

But Lai said he often struggled to open up, despite her attempts to get him to do so, through therapy.

“His passion was art, he would stay up all night just drawing in his room with headphones on, that’s how he communicated.”

But that passion began to get into the way of school.

“He would stay up all night drawing, he wouldn’t get up for class,” Lai said. “I just let him stay home as long as the assignments got done. Then together, with my daughter’s boyfriend and the co-op team, we set him up for his first day of apprenticeship as an electrician.”

On Valentine’s Day this year, the 17-year-old left to start his first day, but never returned home.

“We were panicked because nobody heard from him,” Lai said. “We were making calls like crazy and then we called Toronto police.”

That’s when Lai was paid a visit by an officer.

“Oscar decided to take his own life,” Lai said fighting back tears. “You just fall flat on your face. Nothing matters anymore. The way you understood the world is gone, your big job as a mother. I have failed because he’s dead.”

Lai struggled to understand, wondering if she missed signs.

“But he never mentioned suicide, ever. I did not have the chance to address this, I was heartbroken and shocked.”

Lai began to learn more about suicide. She believes her son was silently suffering from a mental health condition, despite her repeatedly trying to get him to open up at home and through therapy.

“When we started doing therapy. I said, ‘Mommy’s has benefits as a teacher. Let’s do some talk therapy.’ But he sat there through the session, saying absolutely nothing.”

Lai struggled with the decision to speak out but felt Oscar’s story needs to be told to help other families.

“If your child is struggling, come down to their level. Bend over backwards. Just really connect with them or allow them to connect with whoever they connect with, whether it’s a sibling or friend. Just give that child the opportunity to come out and tell someone what it is they’re dealing with.”

After Oscar’s death, Lai sought out help to deal with her immense grief. She went to group therapy, read books and listened to podcasts about dealing with death. What she learned was she had to accept the pain and not run from it.

“Many people try to run from the pain or mask it with pills. But there comes a point where you have to face it. There is no way of escaping from a pain so tremendous as the loss of your child. There is no running away,” she said. “At first I questioned, ‘Why me?’ And then I realized the question is, ‘Why not me?’ Because we know that suicide happens 12 times a day in Canada.”

Now touched by it, she began to do something to raise awareness and help other teens struggling with mental health. That brought her to making soaps.

“I never knew how to make soaps,” she said. “But I knew I liked them.”

She began to order supplies and learn how to create soaps with the intention of selling them. It also gave her a channel to deal with her immense grief.

“I made 350 soaps in five days.” She said. “It became therapeutic and I thought, at least I’m keeping busy.” She sells the all-organic soaps through her website called Living Big with Oscar.

All proceeds go to creating a scholarship for students pursuing visual arts at the Aglace Chapman Education Centre in Big Trout Lake First Nation. She’s also giving donations to The Sashbear Foundation, a not-for-profit which works towards educating the public about mental health in the hopes of preventing suicide.

“I know Oscar would be happy that I am doing this, He would want that so other people don’t suffer like he did,” shared Lai.

Lai is gearing up for her first holiday without her only son and approaching the one-year anniversary of his death. The pain is still present but she’s found a way to make it a bit easier.

“My tag line is one scrub at a time, that’s how I am dealing with this.”

She also hopes her story helps other parents who’ve dealt with loss as well.

“It’s going to hurt like nothing you have felt before. But you know what? Face it. If it takes two months of intense pain. Face it. But it does get better and you will move on.”

If you, or someone you know, is struggling with thoughts of suicide, call 988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline where trained listeners can help. You can also visit 988lifeline.org for crisis chat services or for more information.